Merry Christmas

Happy Holidays (Holy Days???) No. Seasons greetings.... not that either. Gimme a break you could say that at the beginning of spring or summer. It's Merry Christmas. It's the time of year the Church chose to celebrate the birth of Christ. I won't get on my history high horse. I recently heard a retired general make (to me anyway) a very true statement; It has become acceptable to persecute Christians. In the media, in retail, anywhere in the world, it has become acceptable to persecute, marginalize, or just generally slam Christianity. I'm not normally one to put my faith in someone elses face. I don't preach at people. But, my faith is just that, my faith. Respect mine, and I'll respect yours. Why not Happy Holy Days? It fits, doesn't it? For at least two religions... Merry Christmas my friends and family. I love you all. Tom

Therapy

I've been in therapy for awhile. It's been good for me. I fit the clinical definition for depression, but I'm not what many define as clinically depressed. I'm functional. I don't get so deep down that I can't get out of bed. Maybe it's my sense of duty and responsibility that won't let me do that. In researching I discovered Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It was suggested to me by my therapist and I picked up a book Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns. The copy I picked up from the library was a little dated, but it made sense to me and it worked for me. I also didn't end up on meds which was one thing I was hoping to avoid. I still have issues. I'm still working on changing patterns of behavior and thought. Overall, it's been good for me.

My mediation experience

I know this is just my experience with mediation. Others, I'm sure, have had worse or maybe better experiences. I am fortunate to live in a county that has an assisted program that doesn't cost a fortune to begin with and has good mediators working for it. All of the mediators are lawyers working pro-bono. The cost is dependent on the value of the estate. I had a good mediator. I think he did a good job explaining what was going to happen and what was going on. We were not all in the same room. I think this was a very good thing. I do think this helped things move on much quicker. It was something I dreaded. He started out on in her room since she was the one who filed and she made the first proposal. He then bounced back and forth a couple times until we can to a binding settlement. There were a few tweeks when he typed it up, but we finished before the 5pm deadline. It wasn't as painful or emotionally brutal as I thought it was going to be. It still really didn't have to go there. But I guess, the good thing, is that it is settled and just about done. Tom

Balmorhea Diving

The first weekend of Decmeber I took a trek out to Balmorhea Texas to go diving. I keep saying it's 8 hours from here (Dallas) but it's more like 7 without stops. It could probably be done in 6 if you have a lead foot. I don't. The water is a constant 72-76 F. The air temp, however, is much more variable. They had an early season snow fall. The air temp was COLD.

We were staying in the on-site hotel. It's nice. The room was more of a suite. The bedroom had it's own door. It was kept closed to keep it warm. The kitchenette had a single sink, a table, 4 chairs, a two burner electric stove, a microwave, and a dorm sized refrigerator. The potential wet areas are concrete floor. The room has carpet. The worst thing I can say is that the hot water system is per building. There was plenty of hot water first thing in the morning. None in the afternoon after all the divers had finished diving. We weren't the only ones there. This is a nice place to dive. Visibility is always good. There are plenty of fish, and it's neat to watch the ducks freediving to 15 feet to get something to eat. There really are ducks in that picture.

If you don't bring your own food, your choices of places to eat are pretty limited. There's mexican food and there is mexican food. I think there may be one other mexican place there too. Or, you can go to Pecos. There is a little more variety there.

If you bring your own food, you do need to bring your own pot's, pans, eating utensils, etc. Think of it like camping in a motel room. It works. And, it's much cheeper.

Texas does have mountains. No they aren't like the Rockies or the Nevadas, but you can still get sunsets over the mountains, and they can still be beautiful.

Kids and relationships

One of the things I looked at in relation to getting divorced was a website that discussed the question "Do I stay, or do I go?" I don't remember which one it was. One of the posts that made the most sense to me was the statement "Better happy and divorced than miserable and married." Short, succinct, to the point, direct. It made sense. Whether we think about it or not, children model their relationships with the opposite sex based on what they see thier parents do. This is why spousal abuse is so hard to break the cycle on. "But this is how mommy and daddy got along...." That's a little extreme in my case. There was no abuse. We didn't beat on each other. We didn't call each other names or verbally abuse each other. But, I still learned my definition of a loving realtionship from watching my parents, and so did she from watching hers. Two very different relationships. I'll never claim my parents had the best of relationships. I was able to learn what I didn't like about the way my dad treated my mom and actively decide that I wasn't going to be like that. I was able to take the best of what they had and say "I want that." That wasn't what I had. I want my child to see what I define as a loving, happy relationship and be able to find it for herself. I am also comming to understand that I need to work at teaching her, talking to her about what that means. I hope to do a better job in modeling and also teaching my child what is good and what isn't in my future relationship(s). I guess the point to what I am saying is; children learn from watching their parents. They model their own actions and attitudes from what they see in the home. I didn't like what I was showing my child to be a healthy relationship and marriage. It wasn't healthy and neither of us was happy. My child deserves better than that. I hope to find someone I can do a better job with, and I hope to be able to work at teaching her what makes a good relationship. Tom

Another tales from the field

I'm tired of writing about my divorce. So, I thought I would write another tales from the field. I don't remember if this one is on my Facebook page so I'll put it here. When a specialist is out of the office and we get a complaint it often gets assigned to the poor soul who is bodily present in the office. One really good reason to not be in the office. Well, we got a complaint about one of our mexican restaurants slaughtering goats in the kitchen. It got assigned to me. I thought there was no way. Yep, they had been slaughtering goats... live goats... in the kitchen. They said it was a private party they were catering later that evening. Ummm.... ok. What ever gave you the notion it's ok to slaughter live goats in the kitchen? Your closed. Now. Here's your ticket too. I don't get to do that very often. I was really amazed at how quickly the heads and hides disappeared. I did get pictures. Maybe I'll edit this and post them. No one could tell me where the bags with the heads and hides went either. The back of someones car I imagine. Tom

Hope

I am building hope. Or I am gaining hope. Little by little. It's an unexpected phone call here with an invite. An offer to go dancing there. It's discovering friends I didn't realize I had. It's a slowing growing belief in my own repeating that I will be ok. It's in another pretty good day with my daughter. Maybe I really am ok as a dad. All I can do is keep trying. She seems to want to come see me. She seems to enjoy our time together. It's harder considering I don't have a TV. We can go to the pool, but that won't last too much longer. My sources of hope are comming from a number of different places. And I am thankful for all of them. Tom

New living arrangements

I have my own apartment now. The divorce moves forward. A new chapter in my life. I actually have a book for short sayings by Fred Rogers (Mr. Rogers Neighborhood). I picked it up and kinda skimmed through it. I do things like this seemingly on a whim or coincidence, but then I came across a quote that had poignant meaning for me right now. It's not quite a direct quote but essentially it said there was a difference between solitude and lonliness and solitude mustn't equal lonliness. It was good as that is one of my big struggles. All too often one equals the other. I'm working alot on me. Trying to figure out who I am and relearning to like that face in the mirror. If work wasn't going so well I would be one seriously fucked up dude. I have some great friends. I also have challenges there too. I struggle leaning on them. Do they really want to hear it? Do they really mean it when they say call me if you need anything, or is that just one of those bull shit things you say to make someone feel better with the sincere hope is that he doesn't take you up on your offer. At 3am. Barefoot. (Yes that has meaning, but there are only a few who would get it. Don't ask) I'll probably do what so many have told me not to do. I tend to live my life by my rules anyway. I always have. Even my mom will attest to that. I have a dear friend who is very special to me. We have kept it reasonable for now. I think Harvey stole my crystal ball though. So, I have no idea what the future holds. At least she's a diver. I am being good. I'm not drinking much. The first two things in my new refrigerator was a 6 pack of beer and Chili's leftovers. The left overs have long since been eaten. I still have a couple of beers left. I spend too much time on the internet. It's my contact with the outside world. Not much different than when I was married. I read more. I have no TV. I like it that way. Ask me what I think when Hockey season starts. My radio reception has never been all that great. Maybe that will be an advantage of being on the third floor. I'm still not all unpacked. I don't have a place for all my crap. Yes, I have crap. I have stuff, and I have crap. Will someone explain to me why I inherited my dad's penchant for collecting mugs? For the record, or someones record, or who ever chooses to read this... yes, I am partially to blame for the miserable failure of a 15 year marriage. I won't put it all down here. I'll talk about it. But I did play a role. I am the one who gave up. I said I wanted out. She filed. Tom

Diving with Harvey

I really like diving with Harvey. Some people are suprised I actully know who (and what) Harvey is. He's a little mischevious, especially when we haven't been diving together in awhile. He was like that my last working weekend at Clear Springs. I could blame the lost mask on him just wanting a few minutes under water with me. He's a really good diver. I have another really nice dive with him in Lake Travis last weekend. My student was a no show and it was just he and I. He kept me on my toes. He also alerted me of trees, boats, and a barrell just before I ran into them. It's almost sad that some times I would rather dive with him than a normal buddy, but I always know where he is, he never runs out of air on me, he keeps me on my toes, and I don't have to worry about him. I guess it's the selfish, self-centered side of me. (Is that redundant?) Vis sucked. It was less sucky between 50 and 60 feet. That also happened to be just above the worst of the thermalclines, which was nice. I saw a few fish. I wished I had my small mesh bag with me so I could pick up trash. It was still a nice dive with Harvey. He's been after me to make a few more dives together. He wants to make a trip back up to Texoma. He has mentioned Murray, but I have no idea why. I understand the former more than the latter. It makes sense to me anyway. That's all that matters. We both want to do Broken Bow. Probably not this year. Harvey likes the Gardens too, but that probably won't happen again. Tom

A moment of praise

Two blog posts in one night... after being off for over a month. I was teaching scuba this past weekend. One of my students dropped her mask and snorkel while on the surface near our training platform. The bottom was only 32 feet, but it was cold and the visibility on the bottom was very poor, probably about 18 inches. My assistant looked for it, but didn't find it. I got my students finished for that dive and out of the water so I went out and looked for it. I had an idea of where it should be, but these things can drift a little bit. As I dropped down I said a short prayer for assistance. I was hungry, I really didn't have much air, and needed to find it quickly. I found it inside of 60 seconds. God really is good. Tom

No regrets

I will not let my past rule my life. That personal note has been living prominantly on my desk for awhile now. I actually wrote it as a reminder to send the thought to a friend. I sent it and then kept it as a reminder for myself. I need it every now and then. It comes from a decision (?) that having regrets in life is really pointless. I have made some bad decisions. Some of those descions were bad for the time or just bad in general. Some had consequences, others have not. Yet that may change. My goal though is to learn from each of those decisions some form of a lesson. Even if the lesson seems like a "well duh!" I often find a deeper meaning too. So I move on. I don't mean to say I'm not sorry for hurting people. I am. I have lost several close friends who I will miss for a long time over the last year. I learned something from the mistake I made, but I still hope something positive came of the loss. Unfortunately, I will probably never know the answer to that one. I could never regret my 15 year marriage. I am sorry it has ended. I hope the animosity will eventually fade. I don't know if I have sufficiently learned from it's failure. I think the only way to answer that will be to look at future relationships. That remains to be seen. I won't turn this into a confessional. Too public for that. I try not to dwell on my mistakes. I forgive easily. I ask forgiveness of those I have hurt, and it becomes their choice to give it or not. I still have no regrets.

Tales from the field

I like my American grocery stores. I really do. They at least have a notion of how to safely cut meat, not contaminate every surface within a 100 ft range, and clean the mess they do make. I don't skate across the floors in my American meat markets. The butchers in American meat markets understand it is necessary to wash hands... with soap... and dry with a paper towel... not the bloody t-shirt on his back. At least my two problem children foreign markets are inspected in the same month. That means I only deal with them once a quarter at the same time. Yes, I really should be in there once a month (week...day...) but then they complain I'm picking on them. I do wonder though, why were they splitting goats heads on the band saw? Brains? I didn't see any brains. Some times even I don't ask questions I don't want answers to. Tom

Happy memorial day weekend

I'm headed to the lake. Be sure to take a moment to remember those who have died on foreign shores not only for our freedoms but in an attempts to give others a taste of the blessings we have. Say a prayer for them and their families. God bless, Tom

Seasons and life part 1: Spring

A dear friend saw this in it's original form. I'm going to try to recreate it as I thought it was one of the better pieces I have written in awhile. Spring time is a time of rebirth. Plants reemerge from a long winters slumber buried in the ground. They derive nutrients from the soil and the decaying matter. The warmth of the sun and the nourishing rains bring them back to their full beauty and glory. I take this as an analogy to our own lives and God's love for us. We can take the decaying matter of our past and the mistakes that we have made and use them to nourish ourselves as we learn. We can reach up with our hearts and soul and feel the warmth of his love. It is as sure as the sun rising each morning of each day. Throughout our lives we grow and develop. There may be the scars of extended droughts or fires or careless words of loved ones that cut as deep as an axe. But the tree that we each represent can grow beyond those scars. God is the master gardener. He is the master architect of the garden in which we all live. Spring reminds us to continue to come out of dormancy, reach up to his to feel his love and forgiveness. And through that love and forgiveness we become fruitful and thrive.

Tales from the field part 5

I don't know if it's really part 5 but that sounds like a good number. The other parts are on my facebook page. One challenge (among many) in my job is homemade food. It is not legal by local, state, or federal food code to commercially sell homemade food. I learned to recognise food with "source" issues by the labeling or commonly lack there of. A couple years ago Texas was having issues with white mexican cheese or Queso Blanco which does come in several forms ranging from creamy to semi-hard. ( a little harder than a cheddar) Parmesan is a hard cheese. To make a long story shorter, I pulled about 40 pounds of improperly labeled mexican cheese from a shelf and took it back to the office for pictures and disposal. OOOpppsssss. Office not happy. That stuff REEEEKS! Anyway, I was in a new grocery of non-North American origin and found some poorly labeled bread. Conversation ensues... Me:" Where did this come from?" Proprietor: " I don't know" I am asking questions I already know or think I know the answer to. I just want to get him to admit to it. "Not a good answer... try again. This bread is warm. It was made this morning. Where did it come from?" " A woman brings it by every morning." "Where does she get it?" "I don't know" "You buy food to sell to your customers that you don't know where it comes from?" At this point he realizes he's stuck "Well, she makes it in her home." "That's what I thought. Let's throw it out." I really actually got lucky on that. It was still warm. That was a big tip for me. It will probably appear again. With better labeling. A fake invoice to some "bakery" in Dallas. Mobile food vendors are still the worst about this. It's pool season. An inspector friend has already shattered my highest chlorine reading in an open pool. Mine was set last summer at 52ppm. This pool, not in my city, was over 200ppm chlorine. I hope this isn't a harbinger of the season to come. Tom

Notes from scuba class

I jast had one of the best groups of six that I have ever had. No mask issues. No panic issues. No excesive whining. A little much parental assistance for an almost 20 y/o girl but hey, it's daddy. A 17 y/o girl who gets bouyancy control on her own. Truely fantastic. No one failed any of the quizes or exams. I wish these classes were more common. We are headed out to the lake next weekend. It should be a fun time. I've got a bunch of blog topics rattling around in my head. Ponderable questions, more rants, brings to mind a line from Jimmy Buffet... He went to Paris Looking for answers To questions that bothered him so... I wouldn't go to Paris. I'd head south first. But I still understand the feeling. Tom

Men and dogs

This is kinda a repost from my other blog... A couple years ago I lost a Lab that had been given to me. He was a good dog. He had authority/dominance issues. He wanted to be the boss and was pretty hard headed about it. He was the only one owner Lab I had ever met. He would not roll over for a belly rub which is submissive behavior in a dog. Par for me I picked up a handful of books for guidance on training him. He was a pretty good gun dog. He would fetch a dead bird. He really didn't like picking the bird up in his mouth so he was very tender mouthed. But, he would go get it and bring it back. He would NOT chase a wounded bird. He informed me (Lab owners would understand this) more than once; If you can't kill it I'm not going to chase it. At least he never chased a spent shotgun shell. Something that all the training books stressed though is you don't punish a dog for desirable behavior. While this seems like a "duh!" point, I'll expand. When we were training he would get hot take his dummy and run to the creek that run near the house. He would get a big drink, and cool off. if I was too slow, he would be half way back to me before I caught up to him. I can't punish him. He brought the dummy back. The end result was desirable, the means getting there had issues. When training animals the animal needs to understand what it is that has been done wrong. Training humans really isn't any different. Except it's called bahavior modification. I call it training men to keep it from my perspective, but it goes both ways. "I wish he would be more romatic." What does that mean? If he tries to be more romatic by his definition and that falls short is he recognised for his attempt or punished for falling short? If the behavior is desirable but the methods don't quite get there then maybe expectations need to be made more clear. You don't punish desirable behavior or the behavior is apt to cease all together. Now Drake, I want you to fetch the ball straight back to me. No going to the creek this time. I'll take you to the creek when I have the ball. Tom

Teaching again

I'll be back in the water teaching the next two weekends. Yes, that puts me at the lake memorial day weekend. I'm planning on taking Friday off and going out sometime on Friday. I may play some golf Friday morning and go out in the afternoon. I really enjoy teaching even though it can be stressful. I am splitting the class with another instructor. At the moment there are 6 in the pool and 8 at the lake. It would be nice if the weather would settle and warm up. I've heard the thermal is right at the training platform. I'll at least get to do some fun diving during summer vacation. That will be a nice break. I would like to get to spear some fish. Even if it's just flounder. Fresh fish, seafood, and relaxing at the beach. Looking forward to it. Tom

10 years

10 years ago (and a few days) my dad died of primary site lung cancer. He was a long time smoker. He was stage 4 before he was ever diagnosed and the main goal of therapy was to "keep him comfortable." I really don't know how you can give someone chemotherapy and keep that individual "comfortable". Even though we didn't always have the best relationship I miss him. Our relationship improved alot over the last couple years as I became an adult and settled down a little bit and I think he mellowed out a little too. But that may be just my perspective. I find it scary that the men in my family history have a bad habit of dying relatively young. The men in my family history have a bad habit of not going to the Dr. when they are not doing well too. It's easy to see a corelation here. I used to claim that our issues where that we were so different from each other, but I am starting to see how much alike we are too. I guess my fall back position and how I can forgive his parenting styles is that as parents we do the best we can with what we have. Looking back, No, I really don't agree with his styles on many things. I have sworn I will not be my father, and I think I've done pretty well in that vein. But the trade off here is I want to raise a child with the same respect for adults, those senior to her, and other people that I was instilled with. So, I get to blunder about trying my own paths and methods instead of the methods I was raised with. No, I really don't like shows like Super nanny and all that BS. It bothers me that I have to fight The Disney Channel for the proper ways to speak to an adult. I still pick and choose my battles, and I try to remain consistent. I'm still vying for the title of "Most unprepared dad" but in my years of observing people I think I have met others much more deserving. Ask me again when I have a gorgeous teen girl in the house. I keep trying but much like underwater photography I suck at it, but I keep trying. I miss you dad.

Trying again...

Well, I'm going to try this again. This is my second blog. I took down the first one, but I'll try to leave this one up. I'll even try to recreate one of the articles I wrote in my last blog simply because I thought it was pretty good. I write when the mood strikes me, or I think I have something to say. About the title... I do rant about things. Mostly work. I don't talk about the people I work with or work for. I think that's just not right. I will rant about the members of the general public that I work around. I try to be funny, but I do have a rather dry sense of humor. Sarcasm can be difficult to get across in writing too. Thoughts... I get introspective. My general thoughts on life, love, friendship, and how I am generally capable of screwing things up. I try to keep the language PG 13. I don't swear much when talking. Adventures... I am a very avid diver. I'll talk about dive trips, hunting trips, and fishing trips.