New living arrangements

I have my own apartment now. The divorce moves forward. A new chapter in my life. I actually have a book for short sayings by Fred Rogers (Mr. Rogers Neighborhood). I picked it up and kinda skimmed through it. I do things like this seemingly on a whim or coincidence, but then I came across a quote that had poignant meaning for me right now. It's not quite a direct quote but essentially it said there was a difference between solitude and lonliness and solitude mustn't equal lonliness. It was good as that is one of my big struggles. All too often one equals the other. I'm working alot on me. Trying to figure out who I am and relearning to like that face in the mirror. If work wasn't going so well I would be one seriously fucked up dude. I have some great friends. I also have challenges there too. I struggle leaning on them. Do they really want to hear it? Do they really mean it when they say call me if you need anything, or is that just one of those bull shit things you say to make someone feel better with the sincere hope is that he doesn't take you up on your offer. At 3am. Barefoot. (Yes that has meaning, but there are only a few who would get it. Don't ask) I'll probably do what so many have told me not to do. I tend to live my life by my rules anyway. I always have. Even my mom will attest to that. I have a dear friend who is very special to me. We have kept it reasonable for now. I think Harvey stole my crystal ball though. So, I have no idea what the future holds. At least she's a diver. I am being good. I'm not drinking much. The first two things in my new refrigerator was a 6 pack of beer and Chili's leftovers. The left overs have long since been eaten. I still have a couple of beers left. I spend too much time on the internet. It's my contact with the outside world. Not much different than when I was married. I read more. I have no TV. I like it that way. Ask me what I think when Hockey season starts. My radio reception has never been all that great. Maybe that will be an advantage of being on the third floor. I'm still not all unpacked. I don't have a place for all my crap. Yes, I have crap. I have stuff, and I have crap. Will someone explain to me why I inherited my dad's penchant for collecting mugs? For the record, or someones record, or who ever chooses to read this... yes, I am partially to blame for the miserable failure of a 15 year marriage. I won't put it all down here. I'll talk about it. But I did play a role. I am the one who gave up. I said I wanted out. She filed. Tom

Diving with Harvey

I really like diving with Harvey. Some people are suprised I actully know who (and what) Harvey is. He's a little mischevious, especially when we haven't been diving together in awhile. He was like that my last working weekend at Clear Springs. I could blame the lost mask on him just wanting a few minutes under water with me. He's a really good diver. I have another really nice dive with him in Lake Travis last weekend. My student was a no show and it was just he and I. He kept me on my toes. He also alerted me of trees, boats, and a barrell just before I ran into them. It's almost sad that some times I would rather dive with him than a normal buddy, but I always know where he is, he never runs out of air on me, he keeps me on my toes, and I don't have to worry about him. I guess it's the selfish, self-centered side of me. (Is that redundant?) Vis sucked. It was less sucky between 50 and 60 feet. That also happened to be just above the worst of the thermalclines, which was nice. I saw a few fish. I wished I had my small mesh bag with me so I could pick up trash. It was still a nice dive with Harvey. He's been after me to make a few more dives together. He wants to make a trip back up to Texoma. He has mentioned Murray, but I have no idea why. I understand the former more than the latter. It makes sense to me anyway. That's all that matters. We both want to do Broken Bow. Probably not this year. Harvey likes the Gardens too, but that probably won't happen again. Tom

A moment of praise

Two blog posts in one night... after being off for over a month. I was teaching scuba this past weekend. One of my students dropped her mask and snorkel while on the surface near our training platform. The bottom was only 32 feet, but it was cold and the visibility on the bottom was very poor, probably about 18 inches. My assistant looked for it, but didn't find it. I got my students finished for that dive and out of the water so I went out and looked for it. I had an idea of where it should be, but these things can drift a little bit. As I dropped down I said a short prayer for assistance. I was hungry, I really didn't have much air, and needed to find it quickly. I found it inside of 60 seconds. God really is good. Tom

No regrets

I will not let my past rule my life. That personal note has been living prominantly on my desk for awhile now. I actually wrote it as a reminder to send the thought to a friend. I sent it and then kept it as a reminder for myself. I need it every now and then. It comes from a decision (?) that having regrets in life is really pointless. I have made some bad decisions. Some of those descions were bad for the time or just bad in general. Some had consequences, others have not. Yet that may change. My goal though is to learn from each of those decisions some form of a lesson. Even if the lesson seems like a "well duh!" I often find a deeper meaning too. So I move on. I don't mean to say I'm not sorry for hurting people. I am. I have lost several close friends who I will miss for a long time over the last year. I learned something from the mistake I made, but I still hope something positive came of the loss. Unfortunately, I will probably never know the answer to that one. I could never regret my 15 year marriage. I am sorry it has ended. I hope the animosity will eventually fade. I don't know if I have sufficiently learned from it's failure. I think the only way to answer that will be to look at future relationships. That remains to be seen. I won't turn this into a confessional. Too public for that. I try not to dwell on my mistakes. I forgive easily. I ask forgiveness of those I have hurt, and it becomes their choice to give it or not. I still have no regrets.